


Retirement Trouble

by Tadpole4176



Series: Retirement Trouble [1]
Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: AU, Fluff, Friendship, Kidfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:54:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26480740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176
Summary: What if Top Gear just kept going… until someone thought he needed to retire?And what if Stig thought that was a bad idea?
Series: Retirement Trouble [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953919
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	Retirement Trouble

**Author's Note:**

> This seems like a particularly silly idea to me, but why not :) It's possible it's the start of a series of little stories, but I'm not sure yet!
> 
> Only pretty loosely based on the real people at this point!

Jeremy looked at himself in the mirror, taking in the craggy look of his face, the thin grey curls. He should be used to it by now, but it was his birthday, and James had been talking to him about reality again. So.

70.

That really was quite old, he had to admit. Honestly, when they started out in 2002, he’d never have imagined making it to 2030. He wasn’t even sure he’d expected to be alive in 2030.

He poked himself. Yes, still alive.

Was James right? Was it time to retire? If he did that, what would he do?

“Jez?” A voice called from outside the door. Richard, not James.

“Yeah?”

“Are you really thinking about this?”

Jeremy looked down at his friend, only recently turned 60 and so much fitter than either himself or James. He wasn’t going to understand. He couldn’t feel how borrowed their time was. “Yeah,” breathed Jeremy, bracing himself for a verbal onslaught.

“I thought so,” sighed Richard, sadly.

Jeremy reached his arm out to sling it round the smaller man. “We’ll still see each other, maybe go on a few adventures without any cameras. You could retire too, you know.”

Richard’s arms came round to encircle Jeremy’s stomach, his facing tipping up to look at him and revealing the tears welling up in his brown eyes.

“Oh, Hamster,” said Jeremy, squeezing tighter and trying to ignore the guilt welling up inside him.

“Here you are.” James peered through the open door, Stig – unexpectedly – close behind him. He paused as he took in their mood. “Are you OK?”

“I’ve been thinking about what you said, James,” said Jeremy, quietly.

“Surely we should have cake first?” protested James.

“You’re the one who started it,” said Jeremy. “If you wanted to wait, you shouldn’t have said anything.”

Stig, up until now ignored, folded his arms abruptly, moving to occupy the entire doorframe.

“Stig?” asked Richard.

Stig stared at Jeremy, unmoving.

“I’m thinking it’s coming to time for me to retire, Stig,” Jeremy repeated.

The racing driver remained resolutely in the doorway, his arms still crossed. Slowly, he shook his head.

“I’m old, Stig,” added Jeremy. “We’re not immortal like you.”

Silently, Stig’s head tilted to one side, then slowly he nodded, moving out of the door and allowing all three of the others to leave before following them out.

…………………………………………………

The party had been lovely, if slightly subdued. Once the beer had flowed sufficiently, and drowned the possibility of leaving all this behind, Jeremy, James and Richard had enjoyed themselves. There had been presents, cake and more beer, and finally they’d all ended up sprawled on James’s sofa in his flat, talking nonsense, arguing about cars and putting the world to rights.

Slowly, as the time progressed into the early hours of the morning, the conversation slowed. First Richard began to snore softly, then James found himself nodding off.

“You should go to bed,” said Jeremy, smiling at James. “It’s late.”

“So I can see,” agreed James, nodding at Richard, but nonetheless pushing himself to his feet. “You know where the guest room is,” he added. “It’s all set up for you. I’ll get him a blanket.”

“Thanks,” said Jeremy, gesturing to Richard and adding, “It’s fine, I’ll sort it.” He moved to stand beside James, almost shuffling him down the corridor to stop him fussing.

Finally tiredness overtook James’s need to see everything in order, and he crept into his room, closing the door behind him and leaving Jeremy in the corridor. Jeremy went to the cupboard, familiar with James’s place as he was his own – better, because James was so much more consistent about putting things away – and grabbed a blanket for Richard, ambling back down the corridor to the lounge to see the younger man practically curled in on himself, still fast asleep.

Placing the blanket on a chair for a moment, he moved over to his slumbering friend, almost lifting him as he shifted him to lay flat on the sofa, and getting little more than a faint squeak of surprise for his efforts. For a moment Jeremy watched him, waiting as his breathing evened out again, then smiling to himself, he carefully laid the blanket out over him. It probably wouldn’t last til morning, Richard wasn’t known for lying still for any length of time, but it was worth a try. As his friend let out a contented sigh, Jeremy headed for James’s spare room.

…………………………………………………

It wasn’t the awakening he’d expected.

As he’d headed to bed, Jeremy had been almost certain that the morning would bring a significant headache, not to mention the usual array of joint pains, and almost certainly a back that was angry that he’d even attempted to move Richard. Instead, he felt fine.

He felt great!

Was this really a sign that James had been right? That his body had been waiting for his brain to catch up with the idea that he could take a rest? If anyone else had said that to him, he would definitely have scoffed at the idea, but he really did feel incredible.

For the first time in years, decades, Jeremy leapt out of bed, almost toppling over at the unaccustomed act. Undeterred, he flung the door open and headed to James’s kitchen to make a coffee. The others were bound to be in need imminently, and it was the least he could do for inflicting them with his birthday – and his birthday blues.

He reached out to set the kettle going, only then realising that it had already been boiled. He looked round.

There, sat at the table, nursing a cup of tea, was James.

Sort of.

“James?”

James, whose hair was suddenly brown – though still floppy – and whose entire demeanour seemed entirely too perky for this time of day (and James), stared at him.

“Jez?”

“Yeah,” replied Jeremy.

“What?” began James, standing to move closer to him, his hand – which normally wouldn’t do anything of the sort – reaching out to touch Jeremy’s cheek. “You’re young.”

“I, what? You are too,” realised Jeremy. He stared more closely, only then recognising how well his eyes were working. “You might only be twenty,” he breathed, aghast.

“You too,” grinned James, his hand moving to touch Jeremy’s hair, apparently further than normal from the top of his head.

“We need a mirror,” announced Jeremy.

“Bathroom,” said James. “But before that…” He pointed into the lounge. “I think we should check.”

Jeremy’s eyes widened, he hadn’t thought of that. Quietly, he retraced his steps from the previous evening, reaching the back of the sofa and peering over it.

For a moment, he thought he was just looking at a blanket and that Richard was already elsewhere, then the blanket moved abruptly and the whole thing fell onto the floor with a squeak. As the blanket fell away it revealed an even tinier than normal Richard Hammond, blinking up at them.

“Morning,” he muttered, his mouth opening into a gigantic yawn. “Time is it?”

Jeremy shrugged, looking back at James.

“10ish?” said James.

“I feel amazing,” yawned Richard, “though I might have drunk too much, my voice sounds funny.”

“Richard,” said James, slowly. “I don’t think it was the drink.”

“James? Jez?” queried Richard, his eyes finally opening properly and fixing on his two friends. “Did I miss something last night? You two look really different.”

…………………………………………………………

They gathered in the kitchen, properly awake and dressed – mostly – Richard opting to tighten his belt as far as it would go to keep his, too long, jeans up on his skinny body. For a moment, they stood against various counters, then Jeremy became aware of just how much they were towering over Richard and sank into one of the chairs at the table, the others following him quickly.

“So,” he began, realising that neither of the others was going to. “Stig then?”

“Yeah,” grinned James. “Has to be. How long do you think it’ll last?”

Richard put his head in his hands. “Not too long, I hope, I don’t think I can face going to school again.”

Jeremy snorted. “If we think it’s Stig though, he wouldn’t do this briefly. He’s looking to revive Top Gear.”

“I can’t do Top Gear like this!” exclaimed Richard. “I’m pretty sure I’m not old enough to drive.”

James giggled, catching Jeremy’s eye and setting him off.

“It’s not funny! You try being cheated of your livelihood.”

“It is a little bit funny,” said Jeremy. “We’ll be able to sort it, and you’ll grow up – a little bit – again. How old do you think he is, James?”

“He looks about 10,” choked out James, still giggling. “So he’s probably 12 or so.”

“Five years of only off road stuff, passenger seat tests,” suggested Jeremy.

“You could tell us if car seats are any good, we could do actual consumer advice on them,” put in James, almost managing a straight face, but only succeeding in setting Jeremy off all over again.

Richard dropped his head against the table, his forehead making a light thump as he did so. “Oh God,” he muttered. “What am I going to do?”

“Richard,” said Jeremy, earnestly. “Top Gear is mostly targeted at the 10 year old boy anyway.”

“I don’t want to be the target audience!” protested Richard angrily, lifting his head from the table again so that he could glare at his friend.

“Richard,” repeated Jeremy, more softly, reaching his hand out to grab Richard’s arm. “You’ll be fine, we’ll look after you, won’t we, James?”

James paused, just for a moment, because he could never answer a question like that without thinking it through. But then he nodded. “Of course. We both will.”

“I don’t need looking after,” mumbled Richard, still cross, though the fight in his voice was fading. “I shouldn’t!”

“But you can,” said Jeremy. “This is not your fault, and it’s not you asking, this is us offering. We’ll stick together as a three, all of us – even with this.”

“Stig has a lot to answer for,” grumbled Richard, though as he said it, he slid from his chair and wrapped his tiny arms round Jeremy, shifting only when Jeremy’s arm came round to envelop him. “But thanks.”

“It’ll be fine,” said Jeremy. “It’ll be great! We’ll find a new place for all three of us, plenty of garage space. We’ll have a great time. You won’t even think about it.”

“I might have a few rules,” put in James.

Jeremy shrugged. “It’s no fun breaking rules unless you put them there in the first place.”

Slowly a cheeky grin spread across Richard’s face as he took in James’ dismay. “That’s a good point,” he agreed.

“Heaven help us,” sighed James, smiling back nonetheless at the return of his usually chipper little friend.


End file.
